Never Enough

Have I mentioned how much I love spending time with my kids? I do, really. They are truly wonderful, and my best friends. I love talking to them, playing with them, debating with Bookworm, watching Dancing Girl dance around the living room, cuddling with Sweetie Pie, and be amazed by SurvivorMan's observations. I love that they all want to be in the kitchen with me cooking, and learning how, asking questions and helping.

 BUT, sometimes, I just want to be alone. I just want to make the cotton-picking pie by. my. self. And when it's been a long day, and I am tired and just want to get it done, I snap. Then their down-hearted faces linger in my mind all night and I feel terrible.

I tell myself that I am not being unreasonable, that I should have a few moments of alone time, but I know that I am just making excuses. I chose to homeschool, to be a mom for that matter. There will never be enough time to spend with them! Soon enough they will not have time for me, and then I will really regret sending them out of the kitchen, because I was too tired. I have tried asking God for patience, but then he just seems to test me, to give me opportunities to BE patient, and that is not what I need... Maybe I need to learn to rephrase my request :)

There is a point to my random ramblings, I promise. As moms, as wives, women, people in general, I think we sometimes compare ourselves to others and think that because we 'see' ourselves as doing more or better than them,(in our own view) we are doing good. And good is good enough. I really have to watch myself to not fall into this trap. Many times I justify my 'alone time' by saying that since my kids are home with me all the time, I should get more time. But how much do I really get? How much time is spent actually interacting with my children? TV time? School time? Chores we do at the same time? Is that really quality time? I don't have an answer to that... maybe sometimes it is, but not all the time, that's for sure!

And, how much time do I actually spend alone? Is it quality alone time, or just vegging in front of the TV? When the kids are outside or playing with friends, or the phone calls I take in the middle of doing something with them? Is that counted to the alone time?

My point is this: Each person has to decide for themselves how, or who, they want to be. Not to justify something, just because you want it. Yes, I should have alone time. Everyone does! How can a person function fully without having a time to yourself to reflect. But I can't just walk into the other room, 10 feet away, and say, 'OK, now I am having alone-time and you all need to respect my space.' That lasts all of 10 seconds. And my kids are very independent! It is more about them just having a thought and wanting to share it with me, not needing anything. But still, it is an interruption.

I have found that I have to plan ahead. Get up earlier, stay up later, plan a walk, or tell them in advance I will be going to my room to think and not want to be interrupted for a set amount of time. I don't want them to grow up thinking I didn't have time for them, but also I don't want them thinking that they are to sacrifice themselves for anyone, even someone they love more than anything.

This works well for all areas of my life. Having set plans about who I want to be, and comparing myself to my own standards, not anyone else's! Yeah, I sometimes fall short of my own standards. I tell the kids just to let me bake the cake by myself, it is so much faster that way. Plans fall through, kids are up earlier than expected, it's Murphy's Law! But if I can work it out to at least get it right 80% of the time, I think I am doing good.And I keep trying to get better, and that makes it great!  And, I just keep praying, for patience, for grace, for understanding, ....for my tongue to fall off...