It's been a long time since I've written on here. A lifetime it feels like since I've written. I look back to a year ago, rereading my blog and other here's-and-there's that I've scribbled in, and almost feel like it was written and experienced by someone else. I only mention this because if your reading this, expecting it to be the same as before you may be disappointed. I'm not the person I was a year and half ago. In many ways I'm harder, more cynical, angry, quicker to let go of things. I'm broken now... lost and trying to find myself.
For so many years I felt as though I was walking on a tightrope. Inching across, just trying to get to the other side. But I fell, as we all do eventually. As I was clinging for dear life my world crashed down around me and I learned I was living a lie. In all honesty I was devastated. But I'm a survivor, and like the name of my blog, I just went with it. Like a dandelion seed, tossed about here and there, going where life took me. Very few people saw me crash. Saw the tears and hurt; the doubt and fear of the future. It was not the people I expected to stand beside me and support me that did so. That was the hardest. To appear to be happy, carefree, confident in my choices, while scared to death and shattered on the inside. It hurt to take the blame for my failed marriage, to have family and friends turn their back on me, when they knew nothing of the truth of why I had to leave. They did not understand that I was drowning there. But it was as it was. How it was suppose to be.
I'm so incredibly thankful for the people that God put there for me to cling to. I surely would have sunk if not for them. So much has happened over the last year and a half, and I certainly will not bore you anymore with it! But it has changed me, my life, my beliefs somewhat.
I now live in Kansas, with my Cowboy Man. Bookworm stayed with his dad, which breaks my heart. I miss him terribly. SurvivorMan is surviving, dealing with adolescents and the changes in his life remarkably well considering how much he hates Change. Dancing Girl is not dancing as much, but instead finding new interests and friends. She is so very strong and that frightens me a little. Sweetie Pie is still sweet as ever. Tender and loving, caring to a fault as she frequently gets her feelings hurt while she is trying to learn how to navigate friendships in public school. But overall they are hanging in there, and every day is a little better.
I think I might be on the right path again. I've finally forgiven myself enough to talk to God and feel like I am somewhat worthy of his attention, most days at least. A little feeling of peace again has finally came over me. There are still moments of doubt and turmoil. That overwhelming need to run before I am hurt; of worry that my 'peace' is actually indifference. But I am writing, and that is progress. So I hope you bear with me, and get a laugh, some comfort, and maybe take something from my ramblings home with you that someday you can use.
