To Catch Up...

It's been a long time since I've written on here. A lifetime it feels like since I've written. I look back to a year ago, rereading my blog and other here's-and-there's that I've scribbled in, and almost feel like it was written and experienced by someone else. I only mention this because if your reading this, expecting it to be the same as before you may be disappointed. I'm not the person I was a year and half ago. In many ways I'm harder, more cynical, angry, quicker to let go of things. I'm broken now... lost and trying to find myself.

For so many years I felt as though I was walking on a tightrope. Inching across, just trying to get to the other side. But I fell, as we all do eventually. As I was clinging for dear life my world crashed down around me and I learned I was living a lie. In all honesty I was devastated. But I'm a survivor, and like the name of my blog, I just went with it. Like a dandelion seed, tossed about here and there, going where life took me. Very few people saw me crash. Saw the tears and hurt; the doubt and fear of the future. It was not the people I expected to stand beside me and support me that did so. That was the hardest. To appear to be happy, carefree, confident in my choices, while scared to death and shattered on the inside. It hurt to take the blame for my failed marriage, to have family and friends turn their back on  me, when they knew nothing of the truth of why I had to leave. They did not understand that I was drowning there. But it was as it was. How it was suppose to be.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the people that God put there for me to cling to. I surely would have sunk if not for them. So much has happened over the last year and a half, and I certainly will not bore you anymore with it! But it has changed me, my life, my beliefs somewhat.

I now live in Kansas, with my Cowboy Man. Bookworm stayed with his dad, which breaks my heart. I miss him terribly. SurvivorMan is surviving, dealing with adolescents and the changes in his life remarkably well considering how much he hates Change. Dancing Girl is not dancing as much, but instead finding new interests and friends. She is so very strong and that frightens me a little. Sweetie Pie is still sweet as ever. Tender and loving, caring to a fault as she frequently gets her feelings hurt while she is trying to learn how to navigate friendships in public school. But overall they are hanging in there, and every day is a little better.

I think I might be on the right path again. I've finally forgiven myself enough to talk to God and feel like I am somewhat worthy of his attention, most days at least. A little feeling of peace again has finally came over me. There are still moments of doubt and turmoil. That overwhelming need to run before I am hurt; of worry that my 'peace' is actually indifference. But I am writing, and that is progress. So I hope you bear with me, and get a laugh, some comfort, and maybe take something from my ramblings home with you that someday you can use.

Keep Moving Forward

It was a good weekend, I think. I really feel like I accomplished alot, especially in the area of my resolutions for 2012. I really haven't sat and added in my goals on a calendar, but do have a general idea for when I want to accomplish them. For instance, the big goal, of being more organized, I want done before our adoption goes much further. So I planned to minimize, organize and deep clean each room of the house. I planned for 1 to 2 rooms a day until it was all done. This past week I finished my girls' room, SurvivorMan's room, the living room, dining room, and today the kitchen and downstairs bathroom. Mr. Hubby also worked on getting the junk out of SurviviorMan's room in the basement, and hopefully will get that completed this week.All I will have left is my room, the upstairs closet, and the basement!

But I think I should add in one more resolution, but don't want to attempt anything that I know I can't achieve. What is it you ask? Not getting mad when others in my house don't have the same ambition I do. Grrrrr, it makes me so angry when I am busting my butt to get stuff done, and others, I won't mention names, are sitting on theirs! Intellectually, I realize that these goals are mine, so therefore I should not expect others to work for them, as they are not important to them. But emotionally, well that's another story! I want them to be important to someone else, because they are to me. Especially the ones that are for the family... it will benefit everyone, not just me. I think the kids kinda got my frustration this afternoon, because they became very helpful after supper. I may have snapped a couple times about not being here to be a slave, or maybe, how all I do is cleanup after everyone... maybe... once or twice!

Nevertheless, no one said this resolution thing was gonna be easy. As with any change there will be ups and downs, positives and negatives, good days and bad. I suppose we just have to decide if the end result will be worth the work and sacrifice, and if we want to persevere. For now, I am going forward with the plans. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully I will have a better attitude about it...

Resolutions, Goals, Plans.... Whatever You Want to Call Them

While on our morning walk today, my friend made a good point about New Year's Resolutions, or any goals we make, 'It is easier to stick with them if you write them down and make yourself accountable.' I know I have already wrote our homeschooling goals for this year, but I thought that I would put my personal ones here as well. Thank you, Alice!

1. Be better organized. This will be in all areas of my life, homeschool, finances, chores, etc. I have already started by deep cleaning my girls' room and living and dining room. And getting rid of several bags of things we don't need anymore. I still have a couple closets, the kitchen, and the basement to organize and minimize.

2. Be more scheduled. Again, all areas of life. Hoping this will ease the stress that I have been having about not getting everything done that I want to.

3. Live healthier and lose weight. I started this last year and feel I did quite well, lost 30 pounds. But there is definitely room for improvement as I need to start eating healthier, back off pop, and add in some extra workouts. And lose at least another 20 pounds to be in a healthier range for my height.

4. Start recycling and being green. Again, this is a continuation from last year, I have come a long ways, including making my own laundry detergent, and switching out most of my cleaning products to natural homemade ones. The only recycling we have done is using some stuff for crafts though.

5. Have a better garden/ backyard homestead. Just beginning, but ordered some (hopefully) great books today!

6. Learn to play the piano. I am getting pretty good at the beginning of Scarborough Fair already!

So, I guess that is it. It may seem like a lot to some, but I tend to get bored, so this way I can switch back and forth between goals to work on :) In my personal journal I have all of these broken down into individual steps. Such as, for living healthy : Cardio 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week; resistance training twice per week; yoga daily; smaller portions of healthier food; write in journal or blog; read motivation text; and breathe...

Then, I further break it down to time frames. For instance this week I started the 30 minutes of cardio, 5 days a week, by restarting my walking routine with Alice. As you also know, if you are following this, I have really gotten into the blogging. Next week I would like to start weight training, and a couple days of yoga.

I have yet to actually mark all of this on a calendar, it is just in my notebook where I keep all my GREAT ideas! But I don't want to overwhelm myself ;)

Until next time....

January at the Lake...

It was a beautiful day today, 72 degrees in January in Nebraska, wow!

So, we decided to go to the lake. My mom, sister, her 3 three girls, my 3 youngest, and my two adopted kiddos (my kids' friends), all had a picnic and explored the now melting lake. 

It was bittersweet. Their friends are moving on Saturday, several hours away. 

They have spent all summer with us, really being like my children. 

  It has been different since they started back to school this fall, but today was like one of those perfect days of summer.

It is sad... 

.... when things have to change.

Choosing Curriculum

 Well, it is that time of the year again. Time to decide on curriculum...

 For the last several years I have used one main curriculum, Sonlight, for most of our educational needs. I LOVE Sonlight, in fact, I have to watch myself not to come on too strong when telling people about it, but that is with most things I like, I am a little pushy. But I digress, Sonlight for us is exactly what we need. And I think whether you are a homeschooler, or just a parent who wants to add in that extra something, you HAVE to choose the best fit for your unique family structure.

Most of us love, love, love to read; Sonlight is a literature based curriculum. We all love history, animals, and learning about the whole world; Sonlight's core is based in rich history texts from all over the world, and has wonderful books on animals in every core we have gotten. I do not believe in grading everything my kids accomplish, I feel grading is needed in school because it would too difficult to track so many students progress without a grading scale. But at home, I am with them, I see what they accomplish, what they struggle with, what comes with ease. Their Entire school year is planned with their abilities at the center. So, grading for me is a waste of time and Sonlight supports this. This may not be the case with you, again you must not base yourself, family or homeschool on someone else's standards! But, please remember to find the perfect fit for you!

This year the boys will be studying their second year of middle school World History, the girls will be in their second year of elementary World History. A few of the amazing books, (their version of 'textbooks'), are: George Washington's World, The Story of the World: Early Modern and Modern Times, But Don't All Religions Lead to God, How to Stay Christian in High School, Classic Poetry, The Endless Steppe, Out of Many Waters, and Anna and the King. This is just a FEW of the 50 plus books for just History, Bible and Reading for the boys! The girls have just as many including, Gladys Aylward, Good Queen Bess, Michelangelo, A Poke in the I, Tales of Robin Hood, and Marco Polo!

Then of course we have science, Mr. Bookworm will be doing Biology, complete with dissection, Dancing Girl is doing Zoology, and SurvivorMan and Sweetie Pie are doing Astronomy. We will be growing frogs, and have an ant farm, perhaps hatch some quail eggs, and grow butterflies. They will make different types of rockets, a simple telescope, and a solar energy heater. To go along with 4-H, they will be making insect displays, dried leaves and flowers of different kinds, and wildlife conservation dioramas. Not to mention our plan of having a few litters of rabbits and maybe some guinea pigs.

To top it off, we'll have art and music appreciation, along with instruction in the piano, and hopefully guitar and violin. And we have decided we'll be learning German as a foreign language, since Rosetta Stone does not carry Norwegian, our first choice.

They have language arts, spelling, and writing added in with core, and math is separate for each of them of course. We use teaching textbooks, a CD-ROM program for math, as it is so much easier for me. Yes, sometimes, I use tools to make life easier. I hate teaching math! Math is easy for me, but I do it in kinda my own way, so teaching the kids takes a lot longer than I like. TT math teaches the lesson, grades the lessons, and makes a printable report card! This is the only subject I grade by the way! Yes, easy, easy, easy!

I have come to terms with the cost of homeschooling this way. It is NOT cheap; not that there are not ways to homeschool frugally, there are many! But this works for me, and I am willing to cut back on many things so that I can do it my way. If you know me, you know this, I buy our clothes at thrift stores or on sale, do not have my hair or nails done, and make my own laundry soap. It is all about shifting things to get what you need. We always buy our books with our tax return. I figure we get so much per kid anyhow, that money is easily just transferred to their education.

I hope that everyone takes this for what it is, just one persons way of doing things! That is the wonderful thing about the freedom to choose how to educate our children. We all get to choose what is best for our family, whether it is public or private schools, homeschool, unschool, or co-op! Happy Parenting!

Bedtime Stories

Almost every night the 3 youngest ones come up to my bed, snuggle in, and wait for me to read aloud to them. Even if we've done schoolwork that day and I've read aloud til I've lost my voice, they still want their story. It is a wonderful opportunity; one of my favorite moments during the day. They will even stop what they are doing; gaming, TV, computer to get their story if I go to bed early. Mr. Bookworm thinks he is too old to be read to now, and says he can read it so much faster by himself, but I catch him, when I do happen to read downstairs, listening in. 

Last night we finished Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, by Betty MacDonald. The copyright date is 1947, and you can certainly tell in the stories it was written awhile ago. Sometimes, as we read through the book I felt like I was transported back to a simpler time, but then found that children have always been the same. Arguing with their siblings, not wanting to pick up their toys, being a Slow-Eater-Tiny-Bite-Taker (which by the way is my favorite line in the entire book!) And my children absolutely LOVED it! When we finished they asked for me to read it again, "Just one of the chapters, Mom. Read the Never-Want-To-Go-To-Bedder's Cure chapter again!" Magnificent!!! 

I love it when they are excited about something that does not directly involve technology!! And that we can do together...

So, we are now starting Mr. Popper's Penguins. We have only read 3 chapters but there is such amazing things that I can add into our day today, even though we are not really starting back to school until next week. I think they will be fun, and the kids really need something to do! For instance, Mr. Popper is obsessed with the North and South Poles, explorers who went there, and with penguins. So I thought today I could make a craft with the penguin idea and then do some of my own research and try to come up with some games or activities on the Poles and their explorers. It is fairly new idea as we just got done reading at 12:30 last night, but I will keep you posted on what I decide.

Then, when we have finished the story, I said we could rent the movie to watch. It should be interesting, as the book was copy written in 1938 and the movie is very obviously modern, judging from the trailers. I am interested to see what the kids think of the changes, and which they prefer.

Well, until next time, Happy Reading!!
 

Never Enough

Have I mentioned how much I love spending time with my kids? I do, really. They are truly wonderful, and my best friends. I love talking to them, playing with them, debating with Bookworm, watching Dancing Girl dance around the living room, cuddling with Sweetie Pie, and be amazed by SurvivorMan's observations. I love that they all want to be in the kitchen with me cooking, and learning how, asking questions and helping.

 BUT, sometimes, I just want to be alone. I just want to make the cotton-picking pie by. my. self. And when it's been a long day, and I am tired and just want to get it done, I snap. Then their down-hearted faces linger in my mind all night and I feel terrible.

I tell myself that I am not being unreasonable, that I should have a few moments of alone time, but I know that I am just making excuses. I chose to homeschool, to be a mom for that matter. There will never be enough time to spend with them! Soon enough they will not have time for me, and then I will really regret sending them out of the kitchen, because I was too tired. I have tried asking God for patience, but then he just seems to test me, to give me opportunities to BE patient, and that is not what I need... Maybe I need to learn to rephrase my request :)

There is a point to my random ramblings, I promise. As moms, as wives, women, people in general, I think we sometimes compare ourselves to others and think that because we 'see' ourselves as doing more or better than them,(in our own view) we are doing good. And good is good enough. I really have to watch myself to not fall into this trap. Many times I justify my 'alone time' by saying that since my kids are home with me all the time, I should get more time. But how much do I really get? How much time is spent actually interacting with my children? TV time? School time? Chores we do at the same time? Is that really quality time? I don't have an answer to that... maybe sometimes it is, but not all the time, that's for sure!

And, how much time do I actually spend alone? Is it quality alone time, or just vegging in front of the TV? When the kids are outside or playing with friends, or the phone calls I take in the middle of doing something with them? Is that counted to the alone time?

My point is this: Each person has to decide for themselves how, or who, they want to be. Not to justify something, just because you want it. Yes, I should have alone time. Everyone does! How can a person function fully without having a time to yourself to reflect. But I can't just walk into the other room, 10 feet away, and say, 'OK, now I am having alone-time and you all need to respect my space.' That lasts all of 10 seconds. And my kids are very independent! It is more about them just having a thought and wanting to share it with me, not needing anything. But still, it is an interruption.

I have found that I have to plan ahead. Get up earlier, stay up later, plan a walk, or tell them in advance I will be going to my room to think and not want to be interrupted for a set amount of time. I don't want them to grow up thinking I didn't have time for them, but also I don't want them thinking that they are to sacrifice themselves for anyone, even someone they love more than anything.

This works well for all areas of my life. Having set plans about who I want to be, and comparing myself to my own standards, not anyone else's! Yeah, I sometimes fall short of my own standards. I tell the kids just to let me bake the cake by myself, it is so much faster that way. Plans fall through, kids are up earlier than expected, it's Murphy's Law! But if I can work it out to at least get it right 80% of the time, I think I am doing good.And I keep trying to get better, and that makes it great!  And, I just keep praying, for patience, for grace, for understanding, ....for my tongue to fall off...